What I'm Looking For

"And I still haven't found what I'm looking for." - U2

Those of you who have been reading my blog since its start last year are familiar with my struggle to break into the writing business, but for any new readers out there, let me fill you in. I finished my first novel, Secrets, about two years ago and have been trying (off and on) to get a literary agent and move toward publication ever since. I'm still trying. I won't quit because I know this is what I am meant to do - I can feel it in my soul. In between my work as a nanny and homeschool teacher, real life, and trying to get an agent, I have written three more books in the "Willow Ryan" series and am ready to start a new unrelated novel whenever I work up the motivation to turn my pages and pages of notes into something worthy of being on the shelves of Barnes & Noble.

Caught up? Good. Today I decided to try something different to get my book noticed and maybe, just maybe, break into the literary world with a bang (or even just a knock on the door that is met with an answer). I have been toying with the idea of entering a contest sponsored by the UK magazine for women writers, Mslexia, for several weeks now, and I finally took the plunge. For only 25 British pounds (about $40), I submitted the first 5,000 words of my novel with fingers crossed, a prayer floating up to Heaven, and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's so hard to just put your work out there like that and it makes me a little nervous. As for the prayer, I didn't ask God to let me win the contest. That just wouldn't be the right. What I prayed for is to get something out of this experience, even if it's just that I learn that taking a chance on something might not be so bad, because at least I'm doing something other that what I've been doing - querying agents, getting depressed, rewriting, getting depressed, obsessing over unimportant details... and did I say getting depressed? The only thing that's saved my sanity for the last couple of years is my ability to write. Ironic isn't it? So, it's time for me to try something different. Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is me trying my hardest not to be insane. I have said before that my life has been spent toeing the line between genius and insanity, and I would like to avoid falling into the deep end of the crazy pool if at all possible.

So what is it that I am looking for with this contest? Winning hasn't even entered my mind as a possibility (totally glass half empty here), but I am really hoping to be shortlisted. If that happens, I would probably pass out from the shock, and then as soon as I came to, send out my full manuscript. That would be such an honor and would give a (relatively) new writer a huge sense of valedation, which we can all use every now and then. Maybe my novel will even be noticed by someone in the business. That would be amazing! I believe in my writing, even with all of the negativity that constantly pollutes my brain, so I should in turn believe that I have a shot at standing out in the Mslexia contest, right? I hope so.