Something I Learned Along the Way

"I can do anything/ I am strong/ I am invincible/ I am woman." - "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy

First off, I really hate that song. It's so annoying, but it fits this post so I'm going with it. I was thinking the other day about how much I have changed since I was a teenager, and one thing that stood out to me the most was how I react in certain situations.

I have always considered myself to be a feminist. I think that women can do anything men can do, I believe in equal rights and equal pay (it makes me furious that women in America still only make $0.77 on the dollar compared to men), and most certainly do not feel like I belong to the "weaker sex". And I will proudly and loudly voice my opinions whenever I feel it's necessary. That will never change. But when I was a little bit younger, I would actually get a little angry, offended even, if a guy tried to open a door for me, offered to carry my things, or do something for me that I was perfectly capable of doing myself. I think I knew that they were just trying to be polite or helpful, but I took it to mean that they thought I couldn't get the job done on my own. I was a little too proud and stubborn for my own good.

That changed a few years ago when I started going places with the kids on a regular basis. When I had two toddlers in tow, plus a diaper bag and enough other junk to last us a week on a desert island, I found myself smiling and offering my heartfelt thanks if someone opened the door for me, picked up something I had dropped, or offered to help me out to the car with my purchases. It took me being in a more vulnerable state to learn that it's okay to accept help when someone offers it. It doesn't mean I am any less strong of a woman, of a person, or that I am dependent on others to get through my day. It just means that maybe sometimes it's okay to not be the one who has to do it all. Even for little things like I have mentioned here. Sometimes it's better to accept someone's act of good will and then pay it forward. That's what I try to do now, to graciously accept and give back, and I think it's a good example for the kids to see as well. And whenever I see one of them thank someone for helping them, no matter how minor the help was, and then turn around and hold a door open for someone else, help their friends carry their things to the car at school, or offer to help their teachers clean up just because they know it's the nice thing to do, I feel a sense of pride build up inside of me. It looks like they are learning this lesson much faster than I did.

Teach Them Well

"I believe the children are our future/ Teach them well and let them lead the way." - "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston

One of the most important traits I have tried to instill in the girls I nanny for is empathy. This has never been a problem for the five year old, but the seven year old is still a little too egocentric for her own good, and I finally made a breakthrough with her a couple of days ago. She was complaining that she was bored, and after hearing her whine for the tenth time or so, I decided that a little life lesson was in order. So I sat down with her and told her exactly what bored is, and it went a little something like this:

"Bored is not having anyone to play with - ever. Bored is not having an adult in your life that devotes their own life to teaching, entertaining, and taking care of you because they love you so much. Bored is not being allowed to go to school. Bored is not being able to play outside and run around with the freedom that children should have. Bored is basically being left to entertain yourself, look after yourself, and survive all on your own. You are not bored. You have everything you could possibly want. You are very loved and you are very lucky."

After my lecture, this normally talkative child stared up at me and was speechless for a moment. Then she started asking questions, but not in her normal smarty-pants kind of way. These questions were thoughtful, careful, and heartfelt. She asked why a child would not be allowed to go school, or play outside, or run around and have fun. She asked why a child wouldn't have a grown up to pay so much attention to them, like how she has both of her parents and me - three people who love her to pieces and will do anything to make sure she has the best life possible. She asked why a child would be alone so much and why a parent would treat them like that. Honestly, I didn't have answers for all of her questions, but I have known children like this, and I think it was time for this extremely privledged child to have a reality check. We talked about the children I have known that lived this kind of life, and she felt so bad for them. She tried to think of solutions to make sure this never happens to another child, the kind of innocent ideas that come from the mind of a child who thinks that telling a caring adult can solve all the problems of the world. Because this is the world she comes from. And now she knows how lucky she is. And you know what? She hasn't said that she is bored since we had that conversation.

Those of us who raise children - the parents, the grandparents, the aunts and uncles, the nannies, the teachers - we don't always know what to do or what to say, but I think I got this one right. To see a child who normally thinks of herself way before she thinks of others, who thinks the worst thing that could ever happen would be if someone called her a name, who's only real worry in life is deciding what to eat for snack or which toy to play with next, suddenly evolve into a person who is so overwhelmed with empathy it brings tears to her eyes, was a very special moment. And we're both better people for having experienced it.