Children Get Older

"But time makes you bolder/ Even children get older/ And I'm getting older too." - "Landslide" by Stevie Nicks

In just a few days I will be celebrating my six year anniversary with the girls. Six years. For six years, I have been teaching them, taking care of them, loving them, raising them. I have been with their family longer than the little one has been alive, and for more than a fifth of my life. And today it really hit me that they are growing up...way too fast.

When I take them to school, the first thing I do is drop the older one off on the big kids' playground. I have always gotten out of the car and opened the gate for her, because she was too short to reach the lock. A couple of weeks ago I had her try it on her own though, and sure enough, she was just tall enough to do it herself. So today she hopped out of the minivan and went over to the gate, opened it with no problem, turned and waved, and walked off. A lump instantly formed in my throat as I watched this child walk away, this child who I first met when she was 12 months old, barely able to take two steps without falling over, and now she's growing up, independent, and walking away. And it happened so fast.

I know this is a good thing, but it tears me up a little inside too. I'm not her mom; I don't get to stay with her until she's 18 and goes off to college. I will be gone before then, and the realization of the temporary nature of my job hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. If I'm lucky, I'll have another couple of years with them, and it's not enough. It's just not enough.

Then as I walked the little one to her playground, this child who was born fiesty, independent, and with more confidence in her little finger than most people will ever have in their lives, grabbed my hand and said, "Thanks for walking with me. I'm glad I don't have to walk alone like Sissy." All I could do was try to hold back the tears, smile, and say, "Me too, sweetheart, me too."